


Hummingbird Heartbeat

by kawaiisumi



Category: Free!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hospital, Alternate Universe - Never Met, Angst, Chronic Illness, Friends to Lovers, Hospitalization, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-01
Updated: 2019-11-18
Packaged: 2021-01-17 11:50:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21267026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kawaiisumi/pseuds/kawaiisumi
Summary: They say a hummingbird's heart beats more than 200 times a minute, Makoto wonders if being in love would feel like that.A MakoHaru Hospital AU.
Relationships: Nanase Haruka/Tachibana Makoto
Comments: 18
Kudos: 50





	1. That Was the First Time We Were There

**Author's Note:**

> Usually I stay clear of multi-chapter fics because I am TERRIBLE at maintaining them... But I'm here, and I'm ready to try. The last multi-chapter fic I finished was last year, and I'm back at it again, with enough angst and hurt/comfort to make your heart ache.
> 
> Without further ado, here is Hummingbird Heartbeat!

**Hummingbird Heartbeat**  
_Aka, the worst circumstances can bring us to the best people._

_Chapter 1: That Was the First Time We Were There_

Makoto isn’t mad when his parents tell him he won’t have his room anymore. In fact, he’s pretty excited. It’s been ages since he’s gotten to interact with anyone other than his family. He’d trade a sliver of privacy for a roommate any day. He’s packed the last of his things into a small cardboard box; his favourite memory foam pillow, a teddy bear, and a framed picture of his family at Disneyland Tokyo. 

“Are you ready to go Makoto-chan?”

“Yes! One second Tamura-san,” he says, taking his movie posters off the wall. He rolls them up and places them in the box. “Okay, that’s the last of it. I’m ready.”

Tamura smiles, her white tennis shoes squeaking across the linoleum floor as she does. Though he protests, she insists on carrying his things for him. “Tamura-san, you’ve taken care of me basically my whole life, let me do this.” 

The old woman sighs, rubbing the palms of her hands on her scrubs. “Since when did you get so stubborn Makoto-chan?”

Makoto smiles, “Haven’t I always been?”

She pinches his cheek, her eyes doing a quick sweep of the room to make sure he hasn’t forgotten anything. “Your roommate better be ready for you,” she says cheekily.

“Ready for what? The sappy romance movies my siblings bring and the hourly reports on my albumin levels?” Makoto replies.

“I was going to say a big personality and an even bigger heart,” Tamura ruffles his hair, needing to stand on her toes to reach. “You just keep growing and growing… I can’t believe you were only this tall when I first met you!” She holds a hand up to her waist.

It’s true. Tamura first met Makoto when he was about seven-years-old. He came into the emergency room of Iwatobi General, crying in pain, enveloped in the arms of his overwhelmingly doting mother. His family doctor had told him it was growing pain, but it seemed to get worse by the day. He was practically writhing in pain by the time his parents brought him into the emergency room. Tamura worked in the emergency department back then, telling him funny stories while the doctors prodded and poked at him.

When his test results came back, his life was never quite the same. Makoto remembers his mother crying. His father wrapped his arm around her shoulders and held her tight. Makoto only remembers asking one question. 

“Am I dying?”

His doctor squatted to be at eye-level with Makoto. “Your kidneys aren’t doing very well,” the doctor said, a frown etched into his face. “They’re sick.”

Living with chronic kidney disease wasn’t so bad at first. Other than spending time visiting doctors, Makoto felt like a normal boy. He loved swimming the most. His dad would take him to the community pool where he’d spend hours floating on his back and staring at the sky. He was always disappointed when autumn came around and the outdoor pool was closed.

When he wasn’t swimming, he loved going to school. Makoto loved learning, and he loved reading more. His teachers always scolded him for reading when he was supposed to be paying attention in class. His eagerness and golden smile made him a popular friend for all his classmates. Makoto remembers missing them very much when he was hospitalized again. 

At first, his parents thought he caught the flu. Makoto was so tired; he could barely move or get out of bed. He felt numb in his fingers and toes. His head felt so foggy, he found it difficult to read. After a week of not getting any better, Makoto’s parents took him to the hospital where he was met with another life changing moment.

He was 11 years old and the doctor didn’t have to squat down to be at face level with him anymore. The sadness that had once haunted the doctor’s face paled in comparison to the graveness that overtook it then. Makoto sucked in a breath, body trembling when he heard the news. “Son… Your kidneys are failing. I’m sorry.”

Makoto’s life was very different after that. He barely had time to process the news before he was being whisked away for surgery. There were so many questions in his head. So many questions a child should never have to think about. What happened now? Would he die? Would his parents be okay without him?

“Mommy?” Makoto asked, holding tight to his mother’s hand. Her red-rimmed eyes tried to light up in a smile, but it was futile. She kept crying, and Makoto looked to his father for something, anything to make what was happening feel better. “Daddy… I’m scared,” he confessed.

His dad smoothed the hair from Makoto’s head away from his face. “Everything will be okay son,” his dad assured him in a trembling voice. “Mommy and I will be right here when you get back, okay? You’re so strong little man. Everything will be just fine.”

Makoto remembers repeating those words over and over again to himself as the doctors and nurses took him away into the operating room.

He woke up with a catheter in his neck, his mother hugging him tight when he opened his eyes. He was tired and groggy but felt noticeably better. The doctor came in, explaining that until a new kidney could be found, Makoto would have to have dialysis treatment 3 times a week.

Makoto hated it. The catheter in his neck was uncomfortable, but he needed it to start dialysis right away. He stayed in the hospital for a long time, until he was well enough for his next surgery. This time it was in his arm, and it took a long time to heal.

Though, Makoto supposed it could be worse. He spent every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday at the hospital getting dialysis. That was how he really got to know Tamura and the rest of the hospital staff. The hospital was far from his house, and his parents dropped him off on mornings before work. Makoto would sit in a lumpy chair and try to read.

He got really behind in school. Missing three days out of five, on top of all the weeks he spent recovering from surgery took a huge toll on him. He barely got to see his friends, and when he did, he felt too tired, and too _different_ to play with them.

It was like no one understood. How could they? They didn’t spend the majority of their time hooked up to machines. When Makoto’s parents suggested he start being home schooled, he didn’t say a word.

Every day he watched his parents grow more and more tired. Taking care of a kid with kidney failure couldn’t be easy. Every single little thing about him, his parents worried about. Makoto couldn’t bear to watch his parents wither away with stress.

Then they had the twins. Makoto loved Ran and Ren with all his heart, but the addition of two babies, plus a chronically ill child did nothing to help the Tachibana’s situation. Makoto often did his schoolwork alone at home or during dialysis treatments. His dad dropped him off at the hospital so often, it felt like he didn’t remember anything about life outside the hospital walls.

For years, he stayed on the kidney donor list to no avail. His dialysis treatments got longer and more tedious.

“What are you thinking about Makoto-chan?” Tamura asked. Makoto realizes he’s been spaced out for a while now.

“Just… a lot of things I suppose,” Makoto replies. “It’s been a while since anything in my life has changed.”

“You’ve always thought too much for your own good,” Tamura chastises him, but she lovingly pats him on the shoulder. She steers him into room 345C. All the curtains are drawn, both hospital beds clinically made. “Seems like your roommate’s not here yet.”

There’s a vase of flowers sitting on the windowsill. “Where did these come from?” Makoto asks. He crosses the room, brushing the petals with his fingertips. They’re a gorgeous shade of purple, adding a much-needed pop of colour to a bleached room.

“The nurses may have all pitched in to get them from the hospital gift shop,” Tamura replies, smiling warmly. She sets down his belonging on the bed closest to the window. “Do you like them?”

“I love them,” Makoto says, lingering at the window. It looks out onto the street which bustles with mid-afternoon traffic. It keeps him grounded. He forgets what it’s like to live outside the hospital. “You guys don’t have to keep doing stuff like this for me,” he continues, a hint of a frown on his face. “I’m not a little kid anymore.”

“We do it because we want to,” Tamura replies, joining him at the window. They both stare outside for a while, before Tamura’s pager goes off. “You get yourself settled Makoto-chan. I’ll come back in a bit and get you set up.”

She leaves, and Makoto’s suddenly aware of how much larger his new room is. Granted, he’s supposed to share it with whoever ends up taking the second bed. But he feels like he has more space to breathe, more space to exist. Slowly, he moves away from the window and begins to set up his things just the way he wants.

He throws the thin hospital pillow onto one of the armchairs. He fluffs his own pillow, setting it at the head of the bed. After many years in hospitals, he’s learned how to make it less insufferable. A brightly coloured blanket knitted by his mother comes next, looking homey and rustic compared to the scratchy sheets.

Once Makoto’s got everything set up, he kicks the empty cardboard box under his bed and flops onto the papery mattress. Tamura comes back to set him up with his IV fluids. Makoto drags the chair to the window, curling up with the newest book his father dropped off for him the other day. He tries to soak up as much sunlight as he can, reading until he’s squinting to make out the words in the low light.

The overhead lights flicker on. Makoto looks up from his book and to the door. There’s a nurse there, wheeling in a patient in a wheelchair. “You’re going to hurt your eyes reading in the dark like that Makoto-chan,” the nurse says with a warm smile.

The patient in the wheelchair says nothing. He’s got a very cool and neutral face. His eyes are so blue, turbulent like the sea. Makoto swallows, feeling his intense gaze wash over him. “This is Nanase Haruka-san,” the nurse says.

“H-hi,” Makoto says. He folds the corner of the book’s page, closing it. “I-It’s nice to meet you. I’m Tachibana Makoto.”

“Hi,” Haru replies, trying to stand. 

The nurse helps him up, lowering him onto the bed. “Nanase-san just got out of the ICU. He’s been recovering from surgery. I hope you’ll treat him well Makoto-chan.”

“I’ll try my best,” Makoto says, waving to her as she goes. Makoto stands, dragging his IV and monitors along with him. “How are you?” He asks, sitting on the chair beside Haru’s bed.

“Fine,” is Haru’s reply. He grunts, lying back against the pillows. Makoto waits for him to say something else, but Haru says nothing. He shuts his eyes. “You don’t have to sit with me.”

“Oh!” Makoto exclaims, surprised by Haru’s prickly behaviour. “Sorry… I just thought you would like the company.”

Haru doesn’t say anything. Makoto swallows, standing and dragging himself back to his bed. “… Sorry,” he says again, unsure what else to do. They sit in silence for a while. Makoto tries to read, but his eyes keep flickering over to Haru. Haru keeps fidgeting; readjusting his hospital provided pillow. Makoto swallows. “Did… Did you want to borrow my pillow? I brought it from home.”

Haru looks at him, as though he’d forgotten Makoto was there. “It’s fine,” he says.

“I-I just thought… You just had surgery and all. It might be more comfortable if-”

“It’s _fine_,” Haru snaps. An awkward silence falls over the room. “… Sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Makoto replies, despite the anxiety that eats away at his chest. “W-what surgery did you have?” Makoto asks before thinking, trying to fill the silence.

Haru’s eyebrows knit. Makoto’s about to take it back, when Haru lifts his hospital gown. Makoto squeaks in embarrassment, covering his eyes. “Relax,” Haru says. Makoto peeks through his fingers. He’s surprised to find that Haru is wearing a rather unorthodox choice in clothing; thigh length swimming jammers.

“W-what… Why are you wearing those?” Makoto whispers sharply.

“I like them,” Haru shrugs. He pulls the gown up higher to show Makoto what he really asked about. Haru has a device strapped to his waist, a wire snaking into an incision in his abdomen. More wires attach to the two pieces slung over his shoulders and tucked under his armpits.

“What is that?” Makoto asks. His hands fall from his face, peering curiously at Haru’s body.

“Some heart machine,” Haru says nonchalantly, pulling the hospital gown back down. “They put it in a couple weeks ago.”

“You don’t even know what it is?!” Makoto asks incredulously, eyes wide like saucers.

“I wasn’t really listening when they explained it,” Haru replies. “Are you satisfied now?”

Makoto studies the troubled look on Haru’s face. “Y-you didn’t have to show me if you didn’t want to,” Makoto says, feeling guilt sink into the pit of his stomach.

“It’s fine,” Haru says. He grunts as he turns onto his side, looking at Makoto. “Cause now I can ask you why you’re here.” He nods to the knitted blanket and posters that decorate Makoto’s side of their room. “Clearly you’ve been here for a long time.”

Makoto looks away, suddenly feeling embarrassed. “… I have to get dialysis a lot,” he replies, after an excruciating amount of silence. He sneaks a look at Haru, who clearly has no idea what that means. “Ah… It’s a machine that cleans my blood for me, cause my kidneys don’t work.”

“How does it do that?”

Makoto lifts his left arm, sporting the ports on the underside, “they plug me in here, and it filters blood through a machine.”

“That sounds gross,” Haru replies.

Makoto can’t help the laughter that bubbles up at Haru’s blatant honesty. “I thought so too at first, but you get used to it.”

Haru frowns, “How long have you done it?”

“When I was… eleven I think?” Makoto has to think. His whole life feels like a blur of doctors and hospitals, it’s hard to remember different parts of his life distinctly. “I was diagnosed with chronic kidney disease at seven, and my kidneys were failing by the time I was eleven.”

“… Have you been in the hospital since you were eleven?” Haru asks. Makoto can tell he’s trying not to look surprised, but the wavering in his eyes give him away.

“Not at first… I used to just come for dialysis appointments. But then..” He shakes his head. He doesn’t need to bore Haru with the details. “Anyway, I’ve only been in the hospital since I was about fourteen. So, three years maybe? I could go home if I got a kidney transplant. But I’ve been waiting for years.”

“That sucks,” Haru replies.

“It’s not so bad,” Makoto tries to smile. “You get to know the nurses. If they like you, they sneak you free jello and stuff.”

Haru cracks a smile. Makoto is amazed by the way the corners of his eyes crinkle. Haru has such a beautiful smile. Haru looks at him strangely and Makoto realizes he’s staring. He blushes, looking down at his lap. “I’m going to sleep,” Haru announces. He reaches forward to draw the curtain between himself and Makoto. Makoto sighs, sinking into bed when Haru dims the lights in the room.

“… Good night Nanase-san,” Makoto says quietly.

“Just call me Haru,” is Haru’s reply from the other side of the curtain.

Makoto’s heart flutters excitedly. He can’t remember the last time he’s had a friend who wasn’t one of the nurses or doctors. “Good night Haru,” he says, trying to contain the shakiness in his tone.

\-----

Makoto wakes up in the morning to find that Haru is nowhere to be found. The curtains are drawn, and his bed is still unmade, but he’s definitely not there. Makoto sits up frantically, “Haru?” He exclaims.

A nurse hears him, poking her head into the room. “Nanase-san just went for a walk,” she assures him, when she sees his pale face. “The doctor said it’s good for him to be active. It’ll help his surgery recovery.” Makoto visibly relaxes. The nurse smiles, “You’ve taken a liking to Nanase-san quickly!”

“Ah…” Makoto feels himself flush. “It’s… It’s nice to have a friend after spending so much time in a hospital room alone.”

“It’ll be good for Nanase-san too,” the nurse replies. Her smile falters. “Not a lot of people visited him when he was in ICU. I think he could use a f-”

“You’re talking about me,” Haru hobbles slowly into the room, sweat beading on his brow. He collapses onto the bed, breathing harshly.

“Nanase-san, you’re supposed to be doing _light_ exercise,” the nurse chastises, helping him lift his legs up onto the bed.

“I was just walking,” Haru says stubbornly, pushing the nurse’s hand away when she tries to slip the oxygen mask over his head. “I can walk.”

“Yes, but you don’t want to make your heart work too hard. Especially in the state it’s already in.”

Makoto wants to ask what state Haru’s heart is in in the first place. But Tamura shuffles in before he can get a word in. “Haruka-chan, things will come in time,” she says, cupping his face with her hand. She brushes the sweat from his brow. Makoto watches in awe as Haru’s face softens.

Everyone has a soft spot for Tamura; even Haru. “Stop adding ‘-chan’ to my name,” Haru grumbles, trying not to meet her eye.

“It’s painful, but this is your life. The sooner you come to peace with it, the less it’ll hurt,” Tamura says. She looks at Makoto. “Right Makoto-chan?”

Haru looks at Makoto expectantly. Makoto swallows nervously, “… That’s right.” Haru’s eyes flicker with curiousity, but he says nothing. Tamura slips the oxygen mask over his head.

“Makoto-chan, make sure Haruka-chan isn’t overdoing it, okay?” Tamura asks, kind eyes turned up in a smile.

Makoto blushes, “I-I’ll try.” He looks at Haru, who frowns. “But I don’t think Haru likes being told what to do,” Makoto smiles sympathetically at him.

Tamura sighs, “well, there’s only so much we can do I suppose.” She pats Haru’s leg, crossing over to Makoto’s bed. “Your dialysis is scheduled for after breakfast okay?”

Breakfast is delivered without much fuss. But Makoto can feel Haru’s eyes on him. “Is something on your mind Haru?” Makoto asks.

Haru freezes, surprised that Makoto noticed him at all. “… What is dialysis like?”

Makoto chews thoughtfully, swallowing down a mouthful of rubbery hospital eggs. “It’s really not all that exciting. I sit and get hooked up to the machine and just read until it’s done.”

“Can I watch?”

Makoto nearly spits out his orange juice. “You want to what? Haru, it’s boring! All you’ll do is sit there with me.”

“Aren’t I just going to sit here if I don’t come?” Haru counters, and Makoto has no response.

“I-I guess… but it’s embarrassing!”

“Why?”

Makoto wracks his brain for an answer. “It just… _is_.”

“I can barely walk down the hallway and back without needing the nurses to scold me and put an oxygen mask over my face,” Haru replies. “I’m sure it’s not that bad.”

Makoto concedes. “You do realize a session of dialysis for me takes upwards of 3 hours, right?” He asks, watching Haru’s face.

But Haru’s expression doesn’t change. He barely bats an eyelash, “that’s fine,” he says. He looks at his breakfast, pushing it around. “Do they ever serve mackerel?”

After breakfast, Makoto walks to the dialysis treatment center, located down the hallway. Haru trudges along, huffing and puffing until they collapse into the lumpy armchairs in the dialysis room. Dialysis has been a part of Makoto’s life now for almost 7 years. Yet, he never gets used to it. He _hates_ thinking about the idea that his blood is literally being taken from his body, put in a machine, and then pushed back in. Dialysis makes him itchy and tired and nauseous. But this is his life, and that’s the cards he’s been dealt. Haru sits beside him, watching intently. “It’s really not that interesting,” Makoto insists, his face feeling hot. The nurse finishes attaching him to the machine, leaving the two alone in the room.

“Then what about you is interesting?” Haru asks, folding his arms over his chest.

Makoto ponders the question for a moment. “I… don’t know. Honestly, my life has revolved around treatment for so long, I can’t remember other parts of me.”

“There’s gotta be something,” Haru quirks an eyebrow. “Everyone here at the hospital adores you. Give me a reason too.”

Makoto blushes, rubbing his chin with his hand to try and hide his face. “I’m just nice to the nurses… Getting on their bad side will only make life in a hospital worse than it already is.”

Haru smirks, “Duly noted.” The way Haru’s eyes glimmer with mischief is so subtle. If Makoto blinks, he’ll miss it. Everything about Haru is nuanced and complicated. Yet, it burns like lit matches being dropped into his stomach.

“I… Like reading,” Makoto continues. He pulls out his phone to show Haru his _Good Reads_ page. “These are all the books I’ve read.”

Haru takes his phone, skimming through a seemingly never-ending list. “This… is a lot of books,” he states obviously.

“Books become your friends when you don’t have any human ones,” Makoto replies. It sounds a lot sadder when he says it out loud than it does in his head.

Haru frowns. He hands Makoto his phone back. “Read to me,” he insists.

“R-read to you?” Makoto exclaims. “How?”

“…” Haru furrows his eyebrows. “Just… read a book out loud. You said you have to sit here for hours, right?”

“I guess so… But… But why?”

“Because you deserve more friends than… books.” The word ‘book’ sits so distastefully in Haru’s mouth, Makoto can’t help but laugh.

“Are you saying you want to be friends?” Makoto teases, jostling Haru a little by elbowing him in the ribs. His elbow hits the battery pack slung under Haru’s arm, and sends Makoto crashing back into his reality. He’s hooked up to a machine that cleans his insides like a dishwasher; Haru is recovering from heart surgery.

But none of that phases Haru. “Do _you_ want to be friends?” He asks. His voice gives nothing away, smooth and unyielding.

Makoto wants to. He’s never been so sure of something in his life. Something about Haru puts joy back into his body. Makoto hadn’t realized he was so hungry for human connection. But now that he has a taste of it, he wants to savour it forever. “If you’re okay with it, I’d want to,” Makoto replies sheepishly. He smiles, and Haru is looking at him. His face is neutral, but Makoto sees a whisper of a smile dancing in his eyes.

“Okay,” Haru says, reclining into the uncomfortable chair as best he can. He winces, and Makoto sits up. 

Makoto instinctively brushes a hand over Haru’s arm. “Is something wrong?” Makoto whispers through his teeth.

“I’m fine,” Haru insists. “Just… tired…” His voice drifts, becoming floozy and disoriented. He grits his teeth, a hand clutching at his chest.

“Hey… Hey!” Makoto yelps, when Haru’s body goes slack. He presses the call button on his chair, and suddenly the room comes alive with nurses and doctors. It’s a rush Makoto is all too familiar with, and one that freezes the pit of his stomach with dread.

He refuses to lose the first friend he’s made in years.

Not today.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I gotta leave you on a cliffhanger so you come back for more........
> 
> Please leave a kudos/comment if you liked it, I'd really appreciate it! <3
> 
> Find me on twitter @kawaiisumi! :)


	2. I Didn't Tell You I Was Scared

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Makoto’s barely known Haru for more than a day, but the touch of his skin makes Makoto feel everything in the world. It feels like the stars and all the wishes people make on them flow through his veins."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is mostly dialogue, I apologize lol. I promise things will pick up soon!

**Hummingbird Heartbeat**

_Chapter 2: I Didn’t Tell You I Was Scared_

Everything feels like a blur. Makoto watches helplessly as the doctors and nurses flood around Haru. He wants to move, wants to do something, anything. But he’s stuck; attached to the dialysis machine, helpless to do anything but watch.

Haru wakes up before the crash cart arrives. “What’s happening?” He asks softly. One of the nurses cranks the chair back so he can lie down. A doctor has a stethoscope pressed to Haru’s chest, listening intently.

The doctor straightens, draping the stethoscope around his neck. “Your pulse is weak,” the doctor says, “you fainted.” Haru scowls, trying to sit up. The nurse holds him by the shoulder, keeping him steady. Haru turns his head, meeting Makoto’s eye. Makoto opens his mouth to say something, but the doctor beats him to it. “We talked about this Nanase-san,” he says, with a patronizing pat on the knee. Makoto can see the resentment beginning to build in Haru’s eyes. “The fainting, the dizziness… It’s part of the process. That’s why you were fitted with an LVAD in the first place.”

Haru remains quiet, staring hard at the floor. If looks could burn, Makoto thinks Haru could burn a hole in the ground. “This is _stupid_,” Haru seethes finally. He exhales shakily, trying to push away the nurse who wants to slip yet another oxygen mask over his face. Haru crosses his arms helplessly.

The doctor frowns sympathetically, trying to put a hand on Haru’s arm but he shies away. The doctor does one last check for blood pressure and pulse. “Nanase-san, please take it easy. I know it can be difficult to go from one hundred to zero, but you just had open-heart surgery. Things are going to take a while to get back to normal.”

The nurses help Haru into a wheelchair to bring him back to their room. Makoto meets Haru’s eyes, which soften when they look at him. “Sorry I couldn’t stay,” Haru says.

Makoto smiles, holding up the book he brought with him. “That’s alright. I’ll see you back at our room in a couple hours. Feel better Haru.”

The nurse wheels Haru out and Makoto is left with his own thoughts. He remembers being like Haru; bitter and frustrated. When he first went into kidney failure, there were so many things he couldn’t do. Things that he used to be able to do, that were just impossible for him then. It was painful; painful to accept and painful to process. He wishes there was a way he could help Haru, but he’s drawing a blank.

Makoto doesn’t even know what’s wrong with Haru. He knows he has some sort of machine connected to his heart, but he doesn’t know why or how it even works. What had the doctor called it again? An LVAD?

A nurse comes in to check on how he’s doing. “Can I ask you a question?” Makoto asks her, when she checks his dialysis machine and his IV fluids.

“What is it Makoto-chan?”

“What’s an LVAD?” He studies her face, which scrunches up in confusion.

“An LVAD? It’s a ventricular assist device. It helps the left ventricle of the heart pump blood. It has nothing to do with kidney failure, or the kidneys at all really,” she returns his gaze, carefully watching his own expression. “Why do you ask?”

“I’m curious,” he replies, semi-honestly. “I heard a doctor mention it earlier.”

The nurse smiles at him. “You’ve been here so long; you could be a doctor.” Makoto chuckles politely and she does one last look over the machine. “Alright, you’re done your dialysis treatment for today. Let’s get you back to your room.”

When he returns to their room, Haru’s lying in bed with the blanket pulled over his head. Makoto takes a seat in the chair beside his bed. “Hey…” He lays a tentative hand on Haru’s leg. Haru twitches in response, pulling away. “Do you… Do you want to talk?”

Makoto’s question hangs in the air. He’s about to give up and stand when Haru slowly emerges from the sheets. “How do you do it?” He asks. Haru is crestfallen, a smooth and unyielding face that is carved with grief; so subtle it’s art.

“How do I do what?” Makoto breathes, drinking in the sight of Haru, who blinks frustratedly. His eyelashes are so dark and thick, Makoto can’t stop himself from staring.

“This,” Haru moves his arm in a sweeping motion, gesturing to the whole room. “How do you stay here and smile every day? And all you do is sit here all day with people telling you what you can and can’t do. You’re dying. _We’re dying_. How do we just…” Haru grips the papery sheets in his hands.

Makoto doesn’t know what to say. Haru’s right. He’s dying as they speak. His kidneys have been dying for a long time now, and the only thing keeping him alive are the machines that shackle him to the hospital. “I… I don’t know how to answer that,” He reaches for Haru’s hand, but Haru retracts.

Haru brings his knees to his chest, lowering his head. “Sorry… That was… uncalled for.”

“It’s fine.”

Haru turns his head, resting a cheek on his knee to look at Makoto. “I’m an athlete outside of these hospital walls,” he says finally.

Makoto thinks about the swimsuit Haru was wearing the other day. “Let me guess, you’re a swimmer?”

Haru laughs bitterly, “I was a swimmer.” He rolls up his hospital gown, and Makoto looks away instinctively. “Look at this…” Makoto slowly turns his head, really taking the time to look at Haru. His skin is so pale, it’s almost translucent. But his abdomen is a washboard, each muscle defined like it was hand crafted. Makoto’s eyes fall to the incisions that bury the LVAD into Haru’s body; the wires, the batteries, the device controller.

The realization washes over Makoto and he instantly feels terrible. “You… You can’t swim with that, can you?” Haru says nothing, but his eyes say everything. “Haru… I’m sorry.”

“I don’t care about winning. The medals, the trophies, the ‘potential’… All I wanted was to swim. Swimming makes me feel like the real version of myself. The person outside of all this sickness.” Haru swallows hard. His hands caress his own body, holding the wires tight in his pale fingertips. “This is supposed to be temporary. I’m supposed to take it slow until they can find me a new heart and they can take this stupid thing out of me. But how do I do that?” He looks at Makoto desperately. “How do I just sit here and wait? I can’t even walk down a hallway anymore without my body giving up on me.”

Makoto reaches for Haru’s hand again. Haru does nothing, letting Makoto take hold of his limp hand. Makoto squeezes reassuringly. “Your body may betray you, but you can’t let your heart do the same.”

Haru stares at him for a really long time. “Is… Is that a joke?”

Makoto’s eyes widen, “No! No! Oh my god…” He tries to backpedal, squeezing Haru’s hand tighter. “I meant your metaphorical heart! The body may fail, but if we lose hope, we’re doomed. You can’t give up yet Haru. Your body needs you.”

Makoto can’t believe it when Haru starts laughing. He loves the sound of it, free and sweet, like the sound of heaven itself. “Sorry… I’m… I’m still hung up on your terrible choice of words there,” he tries to smother his laughter with his hand. But he can’t stop giggling.

Makoto lets himself laugh with Haru, letting go of his hand. “Sometimes a good laugh can help with that.”

Haru shakes his head, the ghost of a smile on his lips, “A good person too, I imagine.”

Makoto blushes, nervously itching his arms, “Uh… I guess so.”

Haru watches him carefully. “Are you itchy?”

“Huh?” Makoto freezes, sitting on his hands embarrassedly. “Oh. Yes, sorry. Dialysis makes me itchy.”

“I really am sorry I couldn’t stay for the whole thing.” Haru’s eyes wander to the book Makoto left on his bedside table. “Maybe… you could catch me up on your book until dinner?”

Makoto smiles, rising from his seat. “I think that could be arranged.”

* * *

Makoto has spent years in the hospital. Every day is exactly the same. He gets his IV fluids and bloodwork done like clockwork. He knows every nurse on the floor. Every day crawls forward, digging it’s nails into the linoleum floor, just begging to get through it.

But when he’s with Haru, the day just flies by.

Makoto looks up from his book when their dinner is brought to his room. He doesn’t even remember the sun setting. He looks at Haru who had been sitting quietly the whole time. Haru frowns at his dinner, which again, is not mackerel. “Makoto seriously, do they not have any good food here?” Haru asks, dismayed.

Makoto chuckles, taking a look at his own unappetizing plate of perfectly portioned rice and vegetables. “Not really. It’s how they keep us all at a healthy weight.”

Haru lips curl into a smirk, pushing his food around his plate. He spoons up a bit of rice, making a face when he puts it in his mouth. “There’s a seafood place by my house.” Haru looks at Makoto expectantly.

“Is it nice?” Makoto offers.

“We should go together, when we get out of here,” Haru replies, washing down the acrid food with a sip of water.

“Haru… I’ve been on the transplant list for 6 years now. There’s no telling when I’ll be able to get out of here.”

Haru frowns. He puts down his spoon. “Weren’t you the one that told me I could never give up?”

“I haven’t given up!” Makoto insists, jaw dropping. “I just… I’ve learned that a new kidney is probably going to take a while for me. They don’t come around very often. And I’m not at the top of the list.” The frown lines on Haru’s face deepen. Makoto swallows his feelings and flashes Haru a smile. “I’d love to go with you though.”

Haru grunts noncommittally, clearly not fully convinced by Makoto’s expression. He pushes his half-finished dinner table away, swinging his legs over the side of the bed. “Go on a walk with me.”

“W-what?”

“I want to go for a walk.” Haru gets on his feet, getting a feel for the ground. He extends out a hand to Makoto, “And I want you to come with me.”

Makoto looks from his unfinished plate of food to Haru’s hand extended out to him. He’s lived his whole life in hospitals, yet Haru knows how to make it all fade away. Makoto smiles at the thought, taking Haru’s hand. He hoists himself out of bed, dragging along his trusty IV fluids with him. “Okay. Where are we going?”

“There’s something I want to see,” Haru says, gripping Makoto’s hand. They walk out of the room, shuffling down the hallway. By the end of the day, the hospital is quieter. It’s almost peaceful. Haru leads Makoto out into the hospital’s main hallway.

“Haru, we shouldn’t be going too far,” Makoto glances around the hallway. It’s quiet, with only a handful of nurses in pastel scrubs breezing by. They offer curious raised eyebrows in Makoto and Haru’s direction, but don’t say anything.

“It’s not that far,” Haru replies. They make it into the bridge that connects two different sections of the hospital. It’s encased with glass windows, allowing them to get a full view of the sky. Makoto can see the traces of starlight beginning to twinkle through the darkened sky.

“Wow…” Makoto trails off, slowing his pace.

“You love looking at the sky, don’t you?” Haru asks.

Makoto draws is gaze away from the stars to look at Haru. “What makes you say that?”

“When I first met you, you were sitting by the window instead of in your bed.”

Makoto flushes. He can’t believe Haru even noticed something small like that. “I… I guess I miss being outside.”

“Why don’t you ever go?”

The question gives Makoto pause. He has no reason that he can’t go outside and get fresh air. As long as he tells someone where he’s going, they’d probably let him go with someone accompanying him. Makoto chews on his lower lip nervously. “I guess… I’m scared.”

“What are you scared of?” Were it anyone else, maybe Makoto would feel it’s an invasive question. But Haru’s eyes twinkle earnestly, reflecting starlight in blue eyes like gold.

“Because… If I go, I’ll wish I was there forever.” Makoto has no idea what life he will be returning to if he ever leaves the hospital. He hasn’t been in a real school since he was eleven. He hasn’t had real _friends_ since before he was diagnosed with kidney disease. What would it be like to live with his twin brother and sister? Would they even know who he was outside of the hospital?

Did he?

“Makoto,” Haru squeezes his hand again.

Makoto blinks away the questions cluttering his head to look at Haru. Haru peers at him with concern. Makoto smiles, sweet but melancholy. “I don’t know who I am outside of this hospital. If I were to have a chance to find out… I’d never want to come back here.”

Haru hums in reply, “Maybe you can be Makoto, the patient that goes outside for fresh air sometimes.”

Makoto snorts, “Haru, you always find the best but equally _horrible_ things to say.”

Haru smirks, “Just trying to follow my heart, even if it’s broken.” At the mention, Makoto’s face falls. He takes the time to really come back into his surroundings and realizes Haru’s holding his hand to keep himself steady.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” Haru tugs on Makoto’s hand, urging him to keep walking. “This was nice and all, but it’s not where I was trying to take you.”

“Where _are_ we going then?” Makoto asks, dismayed. Haru turns left at the fork in their path. Makoto reads the sign overhead. They push through the double doors and turn right. “You know an awful lot about the hospital’s layout for someone who just got here.”

“Nurses used to push me around in the wheelchair. Though it would boost my morale or something.”

Makoto chuckles warmly, “Did it?”

“Not as easily as you do,” Haru replies effortlessly. Makoto blushes, fumbling with how to respond. But he doesn’t have to because Haru stops in front of a window, looking into one of the rooms. “Look Makoto.”

Makoto peeks through the window. “Oh… Haru…”

Haru has taken him to the hospital’s nursery. Newborn babies lie in tiny bassinets with heating lamps, swaddled in blankets and little baby bonnets. Makoto presses his hand against the glass, peering at the precious little babies.

“This was the only part of the hospital I didn’t mind being wheeled through.” He studies Makoto’s face intently, lips curling into a smile at the sight of Makoto’s elatedness. “It’s nice to see people in the hospital that aren’t sick.”

“We do see a lot of sick people, don’t we?”

“We _are_ sick people.”

Makoto can see sweat forming on the arch of Haru’s brow. “Hey Haru, let’s sit a little bit.” He helps Haru sit on the floor, back propped up against the wall. They sit in silence for a moment. Makoto closes his eyes and listens to the sound of Haru breathing. “Tell me something about yourself Haru,” Makoto finds himself saying.

Haru looks surprised, “Why?”

“Because I care about you.”

Haru frowns, pondering Makoto’s answer, “No one’s ever really said that before.”

“What?” It’s Makoto’s turn to be surprised. “Someone must have told you that before!”

Haru withdraws, pulling his knees to his chest. “My parents were never really around when I was a kid. I lived with my grandmother. She was kinda old and forgetful.”

Makoto’s eyes soften around the edges. “I’m sorry…”

“Don’t be,” Haru shrugs, “I’m kinda used to it.”

“Well yeah, but you shouldn’t have to be.”

The words leave Haru stunned, “… Thanks.” He stretches his legs back out with a sigh. Haru nervously wrings his hands together. “I have cardiomyopathy.”

“What does that mean?”

Haru places a hand on his chest, “it means my heart is too big. They explained it to me like a balloon that’s so inflated, it’s about to break.”

Makoto swallows, squirming uncomfortably. “What does that mean for you?”

“It basically means my heart sucks at being a heart. It can’t pump blood well enough and works too hard.”

“That’s why you need an LVAD…” Makoto muses, “It’s to help your heart rest.”

Haru’s frown quickly melts away into an expression of bewilderment, “How do you know that?”

Makoto flushes, scratching nervously. “I… um… might have asked a nurse about it.”

“You keep tabs on me?” Haru raises his eyebrows tauntingly. “You didn’t strike me as a stalker Makoto.”

“I am not!” Makoto squeaks embarrassedly, “I was just curious…”

Haru rolls his eyes, putting a hand to his chest once more. “I was diagnosed as a kid. In movies, the kid’s lying in a hospital bed like he’s dying. The mom’s crying, the dad’s angry. But my parents asked the doctor, ‘so when can we leave?’” Haru laughs, but it leaves Makoto feeling empty. “They told me I needed to be healthier, I needed to exercise more, I needed to take medications. There were so many things I had to do, I barely felt like a normal kid.”

Makoto thinks about his mother crying in the emergency room, the way her hands touched his face. “My dad complained that my treatments were expensive and got a job in Tokyo. My mom decided to go with him. They left me with my grandmother and my bottle of pills and told me I should try running.”

“Did you?”

“I hated running,” Haru rubs the back of his head, “I was shit.” Makoto can’t help himself from laughing. “I liked swimming way more. My grandmother got one of those fliers in the mail about a swim club that was opening near our house. Once I got in the water… I never wanted to get out.” Haru smiles fondly. It’s a genuine smile; the kind that crinkles the laugh lines outlining his eyes. Makoto feels his heart stutter nervously in his chest.

“Swimming means a lot to you, doesn’t it?” Makoto lays a hand on Haru’s knee. Haru’s smile vanishes almost as quickly as it came.

“Yeah. It does… It _did_.” Haru clears his throat, looking away awkwardly.

“I told you I’ve been on the kidney transplant for years,” Makoto replies. “And you told me not to give up. You can’t give up on a heart transplant either.”

“If it’s been years for you, it’ll probably be years for me,” Haru says hollowly.

“Haru…”

“Do you know anything about blood types Makoto?” Haru interjects, searching Makoto’s face in earnest. When he shakes his head, Haru’s gaze drops. “I’m AB negative. The _rarest_ blood type in the world. Finding a heart for me is not going to be easy.”

Makoto’s lips feel dry. He tries to swallow, but his tongue feels like sandpaper. He takes Haru’s hand, holding it to his chest ardently. “Haru… Let’s make a promise.”

“What? What are you talking about?”

“No matter what, we don’t give up hope. There’s going to be a transplant organ for us someday. Always.”

Haru raises an eyebrow quizzically, “Because…?”

“All we have is hope,” Makoto says. “And… we have each other. Without that, we have nothing.”

Haru chuckles lowly, with a gentle shake of his head. “You’re rather bold, aren’t you Makoto?”

“But I take it, that’s a yes?”

Haru rolls his eyes, “I promise. Somebody will die someday and have organs for us.”

“When you say it like that, it sounds terrible.”

Haru squeezes Makoto’s hand, “And I promise that I’ll be here with you while we wait, if you’ll be here with me.”

Makoto’s heart flutters excitedly. He can’t remember a time he ever felt this much. But looking at Haru makes him feel safer than he has in years. “I promise too,” he breathes.

“Good,” Haru says, wiggling his hand away. “Now let’s stop acting like we’re dying today.” He hoists himself up, holding onto the wall to brace himself.

“We should go back to our room before we get scolded,” Makoto agrees.

* * *

Even so, when they return to their room, Tamura is there to scold them. “You little rascals, you can’t go disappearing like that!” She reprimands with a tut of her tongue. “Imagine if something happened to you!”

“We’re sorry,” Makoto apologizes. Haru shrugs indignantly.

Tamura sighs, smoothing out the blankets at the foot of both their beds. “You don’t have to stay in this hospital room all day. Though, I would prefer if you would tell someone where you’re going next time.”

“We will, I promise,” Makoto agrees, looking to Haru for confirmation. He nods when Makoto elbows him gently in the ribs.

“Now back in bed you too! The night nurse is around the corner if you need anything.”

“Good night Tamura-san,” Makoto waves as she goes. She turns off the light before she heads out, leaving Makoto and Haru in dark silence.

Makoto closes his eyes, trying to sleep, but finds it impossible. He’s far too giddy. He can hear the sound of Haru’s breathing from the other bed. He turns to face the window, illuminated with the gentle moonlight. “Haru, are you awake?” Makoto whispers into the dark.

There’s a rustle of sheets, and then, “Yeah.”

“I can’t sleep, can you?” Makoto looks for Haru in the darkness of the room. He sees Haru’s silhouette sit up in bed.

“Not really,” Haru reaches for the switch that turns on the low light at the head of their beds. The shadows melt from his face, making way for the bright twinkle in his eyes.

“Can I ask you a question?” Makoto asks. Haru raises his eyebrows inquisitively. Without any words, Makoto already knows what he means. “What’s your favourite colour?”

Haru snorts, “You’re losing sleep over the fact that you don’t know my favourite colour?”

“Maybe not that exactly…” Makoto blushes sheepishly. “I wish I knew you better, not just your favourite colour.”

“You already know my story,” Haru furrows his eyebrows. “What else do you need to know?”

“I know your_ disease_ story,” Makoto props himself up on his elbow. “But who are you outside of that?”

“That’s a loaded question,” Haru responds easily.

“Okay, okay, let’s start off easier. What’s your favourite memory?”

Haru thinks for a moment before replying. “There was this one summer, when I was 10. My grandmother bought me a popsicle at the corner store on the beach front. It was one of those days where she seemed less tired and less forgetful. We didn’t say anything all day. We just sat in the sand and ate popsicles.”

“Your grandmother seems like a kind person,” Makoto lies back with his head on his pillow. “My grandparents always cried when I was around. I guess being sick was a lot for them to handle.”

“My grandma forgot I was sick half the time,” Haru shrugs. “She left a note on the fridge to remind her to make me take my medicine every day.”

“At least she remembered to do that,” Makoto replies before thinking. “Ah! I mean…”

But Haru laughs. “There was a lot of things she forgot, but she never forgot to take care of me.”

“What’s she doing now?”

“Oh,” Haru’s voice suddenly sounds so far away. “She… died. Freak heart attack a year ago.” Silence sits on Makoto’s chest. He swallows the lump in his throat. “I guess heart problems run in my family,” Haru tries to joke, but there’s no laughter dancing in his words.

Makoto sits up, swinging his legs over the edge of the bed. The linoleum floor is cold under his feet. He tiptoes to Haru’s bed, sitting down by Haru’s side. The bed creaks quietly with the added weight. “I’m sorry Haru.”

“You don’t have to be sorry,” Haru replies, “she was old.” Makoto gingerly touches his arm, and though he flinches, Haru doesn’t pull away.

Makoto’s barely known Haru for more than a day, but the touch of his skin makes Makoto feel everything in the world. It feels like the stars and all the wishes people make on them flow through his veins. “What about you?” Haru’s voice brings him back to reality. “You said you would never come back to the hospital if you knew who you were outside of it. Who are you Makoto?”

Makoto doesn’t know how to answer. But he doesn’t have to. The lights flicker on suddenly. Both Makoto and Haru look to the door, where the night nurse stands. “Oh! Sorry to interrupt,” she blinks in surprise, seeing Makoto and Haru together. But her expression quickly melts into one of joy.

“What is it?” Makoto asks.

The nurse grins widely. “Makoto-chan… They found you a kidney.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave a kudos/comment if you liked it, I'd really appreciate it! <3
> 
> Find me on twitter @kawaiisumi! :)


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